A six-year-old's story of the first Christmas

Tonight my six-year-old daughter Grace read me a story that she wrote. It's entitled "The First Christmas" Here's what it says in her words:

"Jess ws bron in belhem. Shepds brot the sepp. Wis men brot gld sive and fagstn. The wise men folod the star. Taet is yi we selbt Christmas. The fret Christmas."

Then she added a pencil illustration of the stable and the baby in the manger with his mother. Above the stable she drew a very large 6-pointed star. I told her it was exceptional (which it is).

She asked if she could read it to me aloud. This is her translation of what she wrote:

"Jesus was born in Bethlehem. Shepherds brought the sheep. Wise men brought gold, silver and frankenstein. The Wise Men followed the star. That is why we celebrate Christmas. The first Christmas."

It's quite a lot of fun to be a parent.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

More later . . .

Music, Mystery and Powdered Milk Biscuits

One of best music groups on the planet is the Guy's All-Star Shoe Band from Garrison Keillor's weekly radio program Prairie Home Companion. It's a simple five-piece band that can play anything, and play it prodigiously. The piano player in particular has earth-shattering chops in any style. They provide all the incidental music for the radio show in addition to 8-10 special tunes accompanying guest musicians and singers each week. The highlight of each week's show is an advertisement for Powdered Milk Biscuits where the band freaks out in a bluegrass/ragtime hoedown. They play a simple I-IV-V progression while trading fours and it blows the mind, especially when Richard Dworsky the piano player takes his turn. You can listen to the weekly sound byte on PHC's website: http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how God reveals himself to us. Fundamentally He's revealed Himself through the Scriptures and through the presence of the Holy Spirit that lives within us. What I'm thinking of, though, is the specific and occasional moments when God makes our hearts powerfully aware of His presence. I've had many of these moments, and they've always left a lasting impression. My search for understanding is not so I may conjure more of these moments, but so that I can more firmly grasp how I best develop connection with God. I'm thinking more and more that God uses different avenues and experiences to reveal Himself to different people. For some it's music, for others it's nature or books or relationships. Identifying how God has shaped my soul to best sense and engage His Spirit continues to grow in importance for me.

God has most often revealed Himself to me through music.

For example:

Last Sunday, I went with my wife to see Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God concert at our church. I was genuinely moved and impressed with both the music and the musicians. The depth of meaning behind the libretto, and the mastery with which those men played their instruments stirred me deeply. At several moments I was near tears, though I've heard the music dozens of times.

The reason I mentioned Powdered Milk Biscuits earlier is because God has often used those few short moments during that commercial break in Prairie Home Companion to shine a bright light into my soul. What's interesting is that there's nothing complicated about its form (a simple blues/ragtime), but it's done so well that it speaks deeply to me almost every time I hear it.

This was true of the December 14th episode in particular. Their special musical guest that week was Chris Thile, the vocalist/mandolin player from Nickel Creek. He played a solo cover version of the White Stripes song "Dead Leaves and the Dirty Ground". I was in the car returning from church when I heard it and it literally blew my mind. I was stunned how a soloist with a mandolin could do something so profound and so penetrating to my soul. I freaked out in the car I was so filled with the Spirit of God. Then right after he finished, the Guys All-Star Shoe Band played Powdered Milk Biscuits with Chris Thile and I was so excited that I disturbed another driver who witnessed my enthusiasm--no joke. What a gift from God!

A famous missions story is told of Rev. E. P. Scott, a missionary to India in the 19th century, where he was caught by a murderous band of tribesmen who were closing in on him with spears. Knowing he was going to die in a few moments, the missionary took out his violin, closed his eyes and began to play and sing "All Hail the Power of Jesus' Name". When he finished the song he opened his eyes to see that the tribesmen had dropped their spears and were weeping. Scott spent the remaining years of his life with these people, sharing the Gospel of Jesus with them. Was it the power released from the music that so keenly changed the hearts of those men? I believe it was.

I remember my college chamber group singing "If Ye Love Me, Keep My Commandments" by Thomas Tallis in the vault of Lincoln's tomb. It's a sublime piece and when we sang it in that circular granite sepulcher, God shone His light brightly among us. It was a moment never to be repeated, but forever impressed into my soul. I felt as if I was swimming in sound and somehow hearing colors.

Another time when I was 19 yrs. old I was at home alone listening to the Hallelujah Chorus from The Messiah. I had sung that piece dozens and dozens of times in choir, but that particular time when I was alone and listening to it, I began to weep uncontrollably. It was so odd and out of place for me to do that, I didn't quite know how to feel about it. That was one of the first times I experienced that.

Recently during one of the most difficult times of my life, God used a song called, "The Silence of God" by Andrew Peterson to reveal Himself to me. My wife and I had just lost our baby and I was having a really rough time. Listening to that song, God revealed a piece of Himself that I desperately needed that day.

So I surrender myself to this deep desire and longing I have to hear and to play extraordinary music. By surrendering I avail myself to God's familiar avenue through which He reveals Himself to me. But this means that I will suffer a bit when I hear or witness great music. My suffering comes from wanting desperately to participate with those joined together in musical community, but knowing that I won't be able to. I must create my own community, and hope that God will reveal Himself in the midst of it. I can't be a part of the Square Peg Alliance, but I can pray for people to join my own alliance. Maybe that will happen someday. If not, I still believe that I'll hear from God, I just need to listen carefully and invite Him to show Himself.

More later . . .

Lake Effect Snow

“Are you okay?” I ask Nathanael, my son. He’s four years old. From the bottom of the hill he’s looking up at me, his face and neck covered with snow. His first run down the sledding hill ended with a soft and rolling crash, leaving him splayed like a starfish. After a moment he finally determines, “I wanna go again!” Quickly he stands up and starts the long climb to the top. His older sister Grace has already made her way back up. She doesn’t need my help sledding anymore. She already has two winters on her younger brother.

As Nathan fights the smoothness and pitch of the big hill, I take a moment to look around me. It’s the day before Thanksgiving and we’re visiting my wife’s grandmother in Jamestown, NY. Jamestown is about an hour south of Buffalo in the very heart of Lake Erie’s snow belt. This means that there is always an overabundance of snow from early November until the spring. Tonight is no different. There is at least a foot of snow on the ground and it’s perfect – cold enough to pack, but not so wet that it soaks through your snowsuit.

It’s just dusk and the lights from the streets and the parking lots around us reflect brightly so that it’s not really dark out. There’s a soft, amber glow to everything so you could sled all night if you wanted. It’s the same glow I remember from my childhood playing outside in the snow under the streetlights. We always had lots of snow when I was a kid growing up in Northeast Ohio. Looking around I notice the snow has gathered thick on the branches of all the trees creating a soft canopy covering the houses and sidewalks beneath. There are ten or twelve different families on the hill surrounding us by their laughter and screams of delight as the kids surf down the huge hill in ones, twos and threes. Some are on discs, some are on toboggans and one teenage kid has an old Flexible Flyer. One brave father allows his two young sons to lie down on top of him as they cruise down on their bellies. At a glance it looks like today's version of a Currier & Ives print—folks young and old enjoying the fun and frolic of the fresh, fallen snow.

Grace soon finds a friend named Crystal and she’s off to go up and down the hill without us. That leaves me to give all my attention to my boy Nathanael, and I’m all in. His little 35 lb. frame is made for this, and my somewhat larger frame seems to be holding up. The more trips down we make, the more Nathan’s confidence grows. Soon he wants to hit the big ramp the teenage boys are using with their snowboards. We try it. We crash. We laugh. Inwardly I know that I’m going to be in some pain the next day, but it’s a pain I’ll gladly endure. I also know that we’ll be returning to Grandma’s warm house later where hot chocolate and warm baths await. Grandma's hot chocolate has amazing healing powers.

This is a good moment. It’s a moment that makes any preceding not-so-good moments worth it. It’s a moment that will stick with me for a long time: My boy learning the pure joy of sledding in the perfect snow from Lake Erie, the promised hot chocolate and the forging of lifelong remembrances.

A good moment that is mine.

More later. . .

God Loves Movies

God Loves Movies. I know it. Certainly there are countless movies that God abhors because of the content. But He loves the medium and how it can awaken and enkindle so much within our spirit.

This is why sports movies are often so compelling and enjoyable. I love sports movies. Of course they can be cliche and sensationalized, but that's okay because it's part of the experience. Among the many great sports movies there's Major League, The Natural, Murderball, Chariots of Fire, Field of Dreams, The Rookie, Rudy, Rocky, Remember the Titans, A League of Their Own, Cinderella Man, Hoop Dreams, Team Hoyt on YouTube, Seabiscuit, Jerry Maguire and of course Hoosiers (the best sports movie of all time). Teen Wolf deserves an honorable mention because Michael J. Fox swishing the final free throw with no time remaining is close to a classic moment. When that movie came out, who didn't dream of being a werewolf and flying higher than Michael Jordan?

The common theme in all these films is the accomplishment of victory against a seemingly invincible opponent and insurmountable odds. That's why you never grow tired of watching Jimmy Chitwood sink the final field goal in Hoosiers. It's also why you feel like a million bucks after watching the US Olympic hockey team defeat the Soviets in Disney's Miracle. It causes our hearts and minds to look beyond what we can normally see to something far greater. It can be a fabulous inspiration.

Some might think that a film is something too flippant for God to really care about. I would disagree. Art has always been a powerful force to engage the soul and inspire the heart. Have you ever watched The Passion of the Christ? Think of the illiterate peasants in the 12th century who couldn't read the Bible, but they could see the amazing frescoes and stained glass adorning the churches of the time. God is the One who designed us to respond so viscerally to art, music and expression. There's a reason you want to vomit while watching the ignorance and violence of Schindler's List. Everyone I know cried when Ray Kinsella was finally able to reunite and reconcile with his long dead father at the end of Field of Dreams. It's how God created us. God is the original storyteller and moviemaker. Moses at the Red Sea anyone? Gideon anyone? David and Goliath anyone? There's not a more perfect movie script than the one found in 1 Samuel. It tells the story of the newly-anointed boy David killing the invincible giant Goliath, fleeing the insane and violent king Saul, hiding with his army among the enemies of Israel and overcoming unbelievable obstacles to become the greatest King of Israel. It was certainly messy, but it is an amazing story. God cares deeply about incredible stories of heroes and villains and faith and risk.

I'm anxiously waiting to see what movies we have awaiting us in heaven. Anxiously.

More later . . .

Stuff

Lately I've been thinking a lot about stuff. More specifically, I've been thinking about all the stuff we've purchased recently. Here is a list of the larger items that we've purchased within the last year: a new refrigerator, a used 40 gig iPod, new replacement windows in our entire house, a new window air conditioner for the office, a new tile floor in the breakfast room, a new smartphone for me, a BOSE Wave machine, bookshelves for the office, a new iMac, a new Dell laptop, a new washer and dryer, new bunk beds for the kids (which are surprisingly expensive) and Andrew Peterson concert tickets. If you go back more than a year, we've also purchased a new furnace and air conditioner, new living room couches, a new standing pantry and a minivan. And I'm not even mentioning the new ball caps, the DVDs, the CDs, the clothes, the books, or the songs off of iTunes.

Let me be very clear right up front that all these purchases have been made with money that we had on hand, and not on credit. We pay off our entire credit card balance every month. We save, we are good stewards of our resources and we do not overspend. Everything in this post has been paid for completely up front or was a gift. The BOSE Wave (an absolutely fabulous machine by the way) was part Christmas gift and part money I'd saved for 2 years giving piano and guitar lessons. The point of reflection here is the actual items themselves, and not how we pay for them.

Most of these purchases came as a result of unfortunate circumstances which brought about a supposed need. A new van was needed when the old one died. A new fridge was needed when the old one stopped working. New windows went in because the original wooden ones rattled in the frames when the wind blew, and a new iMac came along because the old PC desktop died. It's the way life works. By the way, as a recent Mac convert I have come out of the darkness and into the light.

With each of these purchases the flesh gets a fresh jolt of euphoric excitement that anesthetizes. When you become dependent on that euphoria, your purchases increase and become more impulsive and unreasonable. You can make real problems for yourself in a quick hurry. But being a oniomaniac (shop-aholic) is not what I want to talk about either. I'm thinking about something much deeper, much more subtle, and more dangerous than that.

The temptation for me (it's practically genetic) is to seek to find my security and safety in my new stuff that works. For the first time in our married life we have two reliable vehicles at the same time, with enough money to maintain rather than fix them. It gives me peace of mind and I feel good about my life. I can fall asleep to the quiet whir of all the new, working appliances in my weather-tight, energy-efficient house. All is right with the world. It's all good.

What a load of crap.

This peace of mind that I think I have is a house of cards; a mirage. What happens when our possessions fail us? Our cars will eventually die. Our computers will eventually crash. Our new appliances will eventually wear out. Do we just go buy new? What happens when we don't have the money to buy new stuff? What then? Where is our security? Our peace of mind?

I am militant about getting rid of peripheral possessions. Growing up I was taught to keep everything because you might one day need it or use it again, or we might be able to sell it in a garage sale or on eBay. I have summarily rejected this philosophy, and have probably gotten rid of some things prematurely (to my wife's frustration). But what about the possessions that I do keep? Am I seeking peace and comfort in them? Am I fooling myself into thinking that they one day won't wear out or break? I don't know.

C.S. Lewis said, "He who has God plus many things has nothing more than he who has God alone." If God was all I had, would I have peace? If God was all I had, would I be secure? If God was all I had, would it be enough? At the end of things all my stuff will burn. Am I okay with that?

More later . . .

Dreams and Sleeping

My whole life I've had vivid dreams while I sleep. At least 6 nights a week the craziest dreams rip through my mind at a pace I can barely keep up with, and when I wake up I guess I'm rested. I get so little sleep anyway I'm not sure my body would even know real rest. I haven't slept well at all since our children arrived over six years ago. I might get 5-6 hours a night, and if I sleep longer I wake up feeling ucky.

The vivid dreams started early. When I was young I had a recurring dream that I had two moms: my evil mom and my real mom. The evil mom had a warped, demonic face and a cold, whispery voice. It was my mom, but a dark, twisted version of her. My real mom always seemed to be in the next room when the evil mom appeared, so they never actually met. I couldn't convince my real mom that there was a horrible woman lurking around the house terrorizing her son. I had that dream many times.

When I was in high school I started doing a lot of music and theater. The classic performer's nightmare became a regular in the queue. It's the typical dream where you're on stage and you're the lead, but you have no idea what show you're in or what you're lines are. The urgency and acute nature of the stress is breathtaking. Very recently though, I actually recognized while I was sleeping that I was having one of these dreams and I somehow woke myself up. What a feeling of empowerment that gave me.

Rarely are my dreams the kind that bring peace or a sense of fun. I've never had a dream that I was Superman and that I could fly. The closest I've gotten is The Greatest American Hero; I've got the suit and should be able to fly but I can't. That's frustrating. Or maybe in my dream I've got a Harley between my legs, but I just can't seem to get her going, or she's just really slow.

I also dream about losing one or more family members. This looks different every time. Sometimes I dream that I'm having an affair with some anonymous woman and my wife discovers us. She takes everything and leaves. Another time she takes our three kids up in a hot air balloon and it disappears without a trace. Another dream has my 4-yr.-old Nathan walking across the rafter beam in a huge barn. And of course I'm yelling at the top of my lungs and of course . . . he falls. These dreams are the worst.

My dreams of late have been of the CIA/NSA flavor, with a bit of the Bourne Identity thrown in. I'm being pursued by a large group of agents who are very sinister and powerful. I wake up running.

Another very weird aspect of my dreams is that anyone can show up as a major character. I might think of the most random person during the day, or see someone's image in a magazine or paper, and they will guest star in that night's dream. It might be someone from high school who I just reconnected with on Facebook, and they'll appear in my dream like we were never apart. Weird.

In the Bible God frequently uses dreams to communicate with people. I can't help but wonder what, if anything, He might be trying to show me. I won't speculate, but whatever it is, it's certainly coming to me in HD.

More later . . .

The Empty Ache of a Football Fan

Over this past weekend I overdosed on football. A fact about me is that I absolutely love the game of football, and our family bleeds scarlet and grey. We love the pageantry and sing the fight songs on Saturday mornings. We faithfully find a place to watch the game if humanly possible--sometimes that's at home and other times it's at the Anderson Bar and Grill. This Saturday we watched our Buckeyes underwhelm the Ohio University Bobcats. This was supposed to be a glorified scrimmage, but turned out to be anything but. The Bobcats showed up to play, and the Bucks painfully did not. Even with all that, the Buckeyes were able to somehow pull it out with some dramatic special teams play. Next week we play the USC Trojans on their field. Hopefully the Buckeyes will not disappoint, and they'll play at the level of their opponent like they always do.

Then on Sunday, we watched the Browns get drubbed by the Cowboys. The Browns actually showed some life in that game, not like the Bengals who got manhandled by the Baltimore Ravens. As we watched all of our teams play terribly I kept thinking of something Jesus said to His followers in John 6: "Do not work for food that spoils, but for food that endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you."

I confess that at times I've obsessed about the Buckeyes and occasionally about the Browns, and definitely about the Indians. In 1997 I almost flunked the fall quarter of Seminary because the Tribe was in the World Series. Sad.

With the way college football is set up, you have to be perfect (or near) to win the big prize. The last two seasons, the Bucks have been in the big game and choked it away. Then we have to endure months of disparaging treatment of our guys until it's time to start over again in the fall. I've gotten to the place where I'm asking myself more and more frequently, "Is this all worth it?" When so much can disappear when your star tailback injures his leg, or when Tom Brady blows out his knee, is it worth so much investment of time and emotion?

As a lifelong Browns, Indians and Buckeyes fan we've had a ceaseless stream of unrealized championships, goal line fumbles, dropped touchdown passes, hall of fame moments from our opponents, Games 7 catastrophes, and on and on and on. The only break in that cycle was the 2002 Buckeyes, and we've had to suck the life out of that one since.

So my question remains: "Can I be a devoted fan and still be able to resist investing so much of myself that I lose perspective about what's important." The last two years the Buckeyes have lost miserably in the national championship game and afterwards I've been pretty upset. My wife reminded me, "Did you forget the great season they had? All those victories? How well they played all season? How much fun we had watching them? One loss can't erase all that can it?" Can it? I didn't want to hear it, but she is right. In the end, it's only a game and it's supposed to be fun. It's not supposed to be something that causes depression and anxiety.

So I've started praying that God would help me to not obsess about any of the games. I'm going to wear my jersey and be excited, but I'm going to try and turn a corner and not let it get to me. I'll let you know how it goes.

More later . . . 

The Difference Between Males and Females. . .

We have a room in our house that we call the sun room. Sometimes it's referred to as the breakfast room, even though we eat almost all our meals in there. It's located on the north end of our small Cape Cod over what used to be the coal room in the basement. (Our house was built in 1940, and most homes were heated with coal furnaces back then). It's a bright room because it has huge windows on three sides. It's bright and cheerful, hence the name.

Earlier today Christina, Rose, Nathan and I were just sitting down to eat our lunch in the breakfast room when Christina bursts out, "What is that?" She was pointing down at the Newsweek she was reading. Stuck there on George F. Will's The Last Word commentary was a nasty white-colored booger. "Whose is that?" I thought to myself while chewing.

Upon realizing that it was in fact a booger, Christina covered her mouth and inhaled a cry that rivaled her "Charly, there's a Spider!" cry. A wide-eyed Rose copied her mother and covered her mouth with both hands too. "That's a booger, isn't it?" Christina said. Without hesitation Nathanael's eyes brightened up and he said, "A booger? Where? Can I see?"

More later . . .

Answering my friend's question...

Since joining Facebook in May of 2008, I've reconnected with dozens of people from high school and college. Each reconnect is interesting because they all knew me before I became a follower of Jesus. My life has changed so dramatically since then that during these reconnections I'm compelled to talk about it.

One renewed friendship is with a girl I used to date in high school. I was a total shit to her back then, and she has some understandable bad memories of me. After hearing about how my life had changed, she asked me how/why I would devote my life totally to God. I've included my very long answer to her question. Hopefully we can continue to dialog about it together from afar. She lives in Arizona.

Here it is:

***********************************************************************************
Okay, I'm going to do my best to answer some of your questions. I certainly don't think you're being disrespectful by asking me to talk about my faith.
It's best if we go back to the beginning so I can set the context for you. At different points I'm going to quote passages from the Bible.

My stuff from high school continued when I went to college. I pursued music, sex and drugs/alcohol all with equal passion. Eventually I was taking drugs most days of the week (primarily dope and shrooms). It had wrecked a lot of my relationships, including my relationship with Christina (my wife now). I had grown up going to church every week, and even went during college most Sundays with my parents. I knew a good deal of the stories of the Bible and knew who God was and who Jesus was. My problem was is that I didn't believe much if any of what I had heard, and it had almost no impact on my life.

So my life went on like that until my senior year in college. My senior year was pretty difficult. My drug use and stupid behavior was reaching it's apex, and after years & years of thinking that I was going to teach music and play music professionally, I decided to walk away with no real plans for what to do next. I was asking a lot of questions and I was becoming more and more discontented with where my life was heading. Now, one thing that my church experience had given me was a healthy concept of feeling guilty over my choices. My parents had that number down cold. So I had all this unrest and guilt in my heart with no idea how to manage it. I had briefly become involved with a Christian ministry on campus (Hope Fellowship), but I didn't stick around because for the most part no one seemed to have any real interest in me. My reputation certainly preceded me.

Anyway, during this time that I started asking questions, I began meeting these people at AU who were involved with The Navigators. These guys were the first people I'd had ever met whose faith seemed genuine--it made a visible impact on their lives. God was real to them, He spoke to them and directed theirs lives (according to them). But of course I thought that I would never be able to have what they had because of all the bad stuff I was into. It was also at this time that I started thinking more about Jesus and the whole issue of His dying on the Cross to "save me from my sins". This of course I had heard growing up in church and also from my new friends, but I had systematically rejected the whole idea. Deep down I knew that I was holding Jesus at arm's length, and I just didn't want to give someone else control of my life. The Bible teaches that, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). Isaiah 59:2 says, "But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear." I thought a lot about this idea of my sin--I had plenty of sins to choose from in my life. And I definitely felt like there was a great distance between God and myself. I looked at the lives of my new friends and I saw peace, and I saw friendships that were genuine, and I saw lives that were filled with purpose and conviction.

My friend Nate was the one who spent the most time answering my questions. Among the many things we talked about, two things still stick out in my mind. The first is from Romans 6:23, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our LORD". That reminded me of John 3:16, which everyone in the world knows, "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever might believe in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Eventually, (and I cannot pinpoint a day or time), I found myself contemplating becoming a follower of Jesus. As I wrestled through what this would mean to me, I found myself excited about the idea of being able to trust God. I remember thinking that my music, theater and druggie friends were going to think I was such a hypocrite. But I didn't care. I felt like I was being chased by God. I couldn't get Jesus' words from John 5:24 out of my mind, "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." I had this growing desire to find this source of life.

So, at some point, I made the decision to believe God. I made the decision that I was going to start following Jesus. Despite the fact that I wasn't sure what it would mean over time. Despite the fact that I wasn't sure what it would mean to my life. And on and on . . .

Looking back it was a period of about two years between when I first started exploring becoming a follower of Jesus and when I finally decided I would. During that two years I wrestled with God and my soul, and took more drugs & had more sex, and fought with God, and took more drugs, and fought with my new Christians friends, and took more drugs, and fought with my parents, and took more drugs, etc. etc. . . . eventually I gave up and told God okay.

Initially most of my friends and family thought I was a little off kilter. They laughed and said, "Pretty soon you're going to f@$#! up and what will your new friends think then?" And I did screw up a lot in the beginning, but the Navigator guys never bailed on me. They were committed to help me start a new life. And most importantly my greatest fear of all never came true: that God would give up on me and walk away from me. When I think back on all the terrible things that I had done and thought about, it can only be a miracle that God hasn't left me and given up on me. But that's the beauty I never knew before I decided to believe Jesus' words and follow Him. Jesus says in John 6:35 & 37, "Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. 37All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away."

I've now been following Jesus for 13 years, and it's been a wild ride. The most significant thing about my life since then is that God has been patient with me and has shown me great mercy. And there's a few key things that characterize our life together (Christina and I) as we walk with God. If you've read this far, I hope you'll read a little longer.

Key Thing #1 -- I have peace in my life. I am no longer am guilty about anything in my life, especially from my past. It says in 2 Corinthians 5:17, "If anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old is gone and the new has come" Wow is this ever true! I believe completely that when Jesus died on the Cross and God raised Him from the dead, that my sins were taken away--past, present and future. I'm not saying that I no longer do things that are wrong (far from it), but I'm no longer guilty because of them. Jesus has made this possible for me and for anyone who might believe in Him. This has a profound impact on how I live my life and the quality of the life that I'm living because I'm not shackled by doubt and guilt deep, deep inside.

Key Thing #2 -- I can trust God for everything--I no longer have to worry about my life. Jesus said in John 10:10, "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." Philippians 4:19 says, "My God will meet all your needs, according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus." My decision to trust God for everything has been the best decision of my life. This has allowed me to resist the fear of "not having enough" and the pursuit of greed and materialism. The richness of my life has enabled me to be content with all that God has provided for me. So I don't worry about if I will keep my job, or how we will pay our mortgage, or where we will get money to retire, or where our next vehicle will come from, or the high cost of gas, or the well-being of my children, etc. etc. Because I believe utterly that God will meet all of our needs--financially, relationally, and physically. In now way am I saying that we don't plan wisely or spend carefully or do what we need to do in order to survive. We definitely try to be the best stewards of what God has given us. But ultimately God is the one who meets every need we have, and He wants to do that for me.

Something that is a source of great hope and peace for me is: the Creator of the Universe, who is unlimited in His resources and power, has unlimited affection for me and wants to meet my every need.

Key Thing #3 -- I am totally secure in my identity. I know who I am and whose I am. This may be the most significant & tangible thing that has affected me since I started following Jesus. One of the things that has plagued me as long as I can remember is that I've done almost everything in my life from a position of fear. I was afraid of getting into trouble, I was afraid of displeasing my parents, I was afraid of failing, I was afraid of not fitting in, I was afraid of what people would think, I was afraid of not being the best, I was afraid of being laughed at, I was afraid of getting caught, I was afraid that I wouldn't succeed, I was afraid of being found out, I was afraid of looking like a fool, I was afraid . . . . Everything that I did was because I was afraid. Even when I was carrying on with the sex/drugs/alcohol, it was mostly all in secret because I was afraid of getting into trouble or being thought of as a druggie. I graduated magna cum laude from college in spite of all the drugs and alcohol because I was so afraid of not being successful in school. Every relationship that I ever carried on, male or female, romantic or platonic, was all about me--so needless to say they were all pretty much based on crap.

But Jesus has released me from all of that. In 2 Corinthians 5 the apostle Paul wrote, "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." This has become what my life is about--to live my life for Him who died for me (Jesus) and not for myself. I am no longer afraid of failing. So my life has become about loving and serving others on Jesus' behalf. And this has transformed everything in my life, especially my relationships with people. Because now I see people not for what they are, but for who they can become. I see people as potential dwelling places for the Holy Spirit to live and lead, which has made my life incredibly exciting and fulfilling. By living a life not to fulfill myself I find myself filled regardless. It all goes back to where Jesus said, "He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. "

And also, I'm not a crazy nutjob. I'm a regular guy who loves his wife and children, who loves beer, who loves football and baseball, who loves hanging out and who is fiercely loyal and committed to his friends and family.

A final note: I need to disclaim that everything I've just said is the ideal--the goal to which I attain. In reality I can give into fear in a second. I can be an awful person, and awful husband, and an awful parent. I do the best that I can, but often my best isn't all that great. But because I've decided to trust God and follow Jesus, He gives me incredible grace to start anew at any moment. And that is my hope: that God is never finished with me. He is always helping me to become a more authentic man -- friend, husband, and dad. Jesus has done this for me. The things of this world cannot give that to us--the world leaves us empty, sputtering and in despair.

So that is why I've given myself completely to Him--to leave my life and the life of my family in His hands. I've given my life to God because He can do far more with it than I could ever do with it on my own. But I never would have discovered this unless I had decided to finally trust Him and receive Jesus to give me life. I can't imagine my life another way.


That took me a little longer to unpack than normal. I think I'm going to start a blog.

So do you still want to talk about this? I would love to if you do.

Your old friend,
Charly

More later . . .

The beginning

Today is the first day. The day after yesterday. The day before tomorrow. Right now.